To My Firstborn,
The other day you asked me who my favorite kid was. I told you that was impossible question to answer. “I know you don’t want to, but if you HAD to pick. If you just HAD to, who would you choose?” “I’ll never be able to pick between you two. I love you both the same!” I exclaimed.
That wasn’t a good enough answer for you. You were determined in your competitive heart to convince me somehow to place you on top. The triumphant “winner” of my favorite things.
“Just tell me who you love the very most that’s all you have to do Mommy!”
Realizing you were not going to give up, I gave you the very best answer I could. “You are my favorite first baby, and [your sister] is my favorite second baby.”
You smiled with satisfaction at that answer and ran off to play.
I’ve thought a lot about that moment and the answer I gave. I think at the time you were just happy to hear “you” and “favorite” in the same sentence. But, there was so much more to that sentence than I think you realized at the time.
You might not be the only one I hold in my arms anymore. I know that is hard for you to sometimes accept. One day you came to see me in the hospital and my arms were holding someone else.
I know that must have been confusing for you.
For your entire life, up until that point in time, these arms… my arms… were your arms. Yours to climb into, yours to reach towards, yours to snuggle and yours to claim. But without much warning, all that changed.
Now you share these arms with another and you don’t always win.
Now you reach harder but you’re not the only one who is reaching.
I know it frustrates you, I can see it in your eyes.
You share so many things that used to be only yours. I am so proud of the way you have adapted to this new life. But I want you to know that I realize how much life has changed for you. I understand why you wanted me to tell you that you were my favorite. Because, at one point you were. There was no one else who took away my time or attention. I think in your own way, you were trying to reconcile that fact with the present.
I can’t tell you that you are my favorite, because that’s not the way a mama heart works. But there is something that no one can ever take away from you and that you will never have to share. That’s what I want to remind you of today.
You were the first.
Yours might not be the only name I call but it was the first.
You might not be the only one who I sing to at night, but I sang to you first.
You might not be the only baby who’s hand I hold, but I held your tiny fingers first.
You might not be the only child I love, but I loved you first.
You were the first diaper I changed, the first bath I gave, the first button nose I kissed. Your little smile was the first to light up your daddy and I’s life in a way we never knew a smile could. You brought out fears that I never knew I had because of the love you made me feel that I didn’t know I was capable of.
It was me and you all those late nights that at the time I felt would never end. Just us, sitting together in the the early morning silence. I held you and you looked at me and you laid that tiny little head on my shoulder and slipped into a deep sleep. I almost laid you down but couldn’t because it was just us and I wanted to keep it that way just a little longer.
You were the first I taught to crawl, walk and run, the first to come running to me with tears wetting your little face after you skinned your knee. You were the first to get into my makeup and use it to color all over your face, the first to cup my cheeks in your hand and say, “I love you Mommy.”
You were the one that taught me what it truly meant to be unselfish. You taught me about compassion and pain, endurance and relief. You taught me how to push past my own comfort for someone I love. You were there for me during some of the toughest experiences of my life.
You made me stronger. You helped me be brave. You made me want to be better. Together we conquered my demons. You were by my side as I navigated motherhood for the very first time. In a very real way, you made me the person I am today.
You made me a mommy and you have a special place in my heart that no one else can take.
So don’t be sad that I won’t pick a favorite. One day, you’ll understand why that is something I’ll never be able to do. But until that day comes, just remember that no matter how many hugs, moments and memories you have to share, that only you have been and will always be my first baby.
